The Drawings of Aaga the Hue

88

=>I thought kurumancy was something else.

… Frank, you okay, pal?

You didn’t bonk yourself on the head, right? You’re still that good ol’ demon lord I know and love, right?
You of all people should know that VOODOO is an OCTAGON based magic. I shouldn’t need to tell you that! I mean, you and you know who were the one that told me this shit in the first place!
You’re still the boss, right? RIGHT?

I shouldn’t have to explain shit, its magic.

=>shit man why’d he take off his loincloth that’s gross

Man.

It’s weird enough to find out monsters and magic and shit are real first time around. It’s even weirder when you become one of them magic people. And it’s weirder still once you get used to it. You start seeing all kinds of inconsistencies in the physical realm. Things don’t be like they’re supposed to be and shit happens before it even hit the fan. Guess that’s the price for a chance at immortality, and it makes sense, being a shifter of earthly things and such.

Shit’s still crazy, yo. Shit out of the corner of your eyes and people making funny faces and shit dissapearing, you never do know what’s what, numbers everywhere and shit.
It’s like some… wack ass superman video games.

=>You have a captive audience! Offer to help him out in exchange for his soul. It’s not like he’s usin’ it! Yo, whip up a song, mang quick-like. Nobody’s gonna sell them soul away without a song, Juju man.

I can’t come up with nothing. Even if could, Dracula owns this guy’s soul. I mean it’s not like the fucking vampire king would just let his slaves own their own basic rights and shit.
I’m fucking positive Dracula owns his soul, only loophole round it is to get him some socks, and he certainly isn’t getting my socks. It’s a matter of pride.
Plus these shoes would be crazy itchy if I didn’t use socks.

Hahahahafiltthyleggedpeasant, mahslippyslipselfdontgottoworryboutnoshoes

Or decency, for that matter. You know how much it costs to keep buying birds for you to eat? I cant just recycle those, bones dont fucking fly.

=> Grab him by the legs and just tug like hell.

And what, have him scratch my face off and tell the ol count where I’m at? I should get him some socks first, or at least calm him the fuck down so he doesnt go anywhere.

=>Try using Itsy Bitsy. Worth a shot!

Now THERE’S an idea.

Yo, lil man: do me a favor and get this nigga some socks- NO WAIT! better yet…

paralyze him!

okay Just have to tug a little come no come on FUCKstop being stuck you jolly green faggot

THERE WE GO was that so hard you piece of shit?

That ought to keep him calm for a couple of minutes
As long as that wasnt terminal poison.
That wasnt terminal poison, right?
He looks fine to me, not dead at all.
Yep.
Totally fucking alive.

=> Try summoning something inside that chest, burst that shit right open. Probably can open it wide enough to fit some of those bones in there. Leastaways those summons could hand that key over to you even if they ain’t good enough to smash through some half-rotted box from the inside.

Itsy, you do me proud.
Wha what the fuck it doesn’t open shit.

Oh well, it’ll open something.

=> Alsowise, what scrolls ya got man? Might be important later.

Let’s see, I’ve got…

SIGNED SOUL CONTRACT FROM MARYA DRACULA
-worth 150 years of livelihood

BLANK SOUL CONTRACT (6)
-requires signature for a prolongued livelihood, amount depending on race and age

SCROLL OF RE-ANIMATION (kuru specialization)
-can resurrect anything that has been fully digested
-can resurrect anything that has been covered in the bone meal of a digested human

SCROLL OF REGENERATION(2)
-can regenerate an ailing or fallen body part
-85% chance of success

SCROLL OF PERFECT RHYTHM
-activates perfect rythm

Yeah, I can just read any of these and the paper will burn up and some magic happens, I should probably save these for when I need them

=>Give him the radio. What’s he gonna do if he can’t wear some groove?

Nah. No….
I’ve got a bad vibe from that radio.

Eyboss, yaoughtacheckthatroomnshit, sgottahavesomeguds

Sure, maybe there are socks there.
Or monsters.
Or both.

Shit, its dark in here, I should get a match or-

YEAH YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY I USE MY WALK, I’M A WOMAN’S MAN; NO TIME TO TALK
MUSIC LOUD AND WOMEN WARM, I’VE BEEN KICKED AROUND SINCE I WAS BORN
AND NOW IT’S ALL RIGHT, IT’S OKAY
YOU MAY LOOK THE OTHER WAY
WE CAN TRY TO UNDERSTAND
THE NEW YORK TIMES EFFECT ON MAN

Oh! He’s probably in here!
Edd, are you in there?
why are you listening to this garbage? Listen to something like Nena, they have a good song named 99 luftballons, you should enrich yourself sometime! Also please come out, if any of my family sees you they’ll think you’re a thief or something! Edd why is the door not opening did you lock it why would you do that

Maybe maybe I’m hearing it wrong, it might be coming from here
Yeah he’s probably there, surely he wouldn’t lock himself in a room. Who would lock themselves in a room? I wouldn’t lock myself in a room, and neither would he, I’m sure of it.

OH SHIT IT’S THE BEE GEES OH FUCK WHAT’S GOING ON OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIIIIIITTTTTTTT

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These guys help me out a lot, they’re pretty bro, and this entire project kicks ass.

Go read it.

88

=> click on smokey

whoyouwammekill- Imean HELP ahehehehehe COUGHHAAGHAGAHAGHAGAHA

=> Click the fuck out of Little Smokey.

AHEHEHEHESTOPITCHIEFTHATICKLESAHEHEHEHE noreallymandondodashit itaintgoodformahjujuohgawdmahjuju HAAHWAAAAAAAAGH

=>Start counting out loud. It might help your tripping metre.

NONONOMANthataintnotripsmeter, thatyo RADDITY BAR, it jussbe whaditbe

Maybeolsmokeeshoulshowyoudasmokes

Dishitbeyo EYE OF DA TIGER, daREDshitbeyoKURU, daGREENshitbeyoHEALTH, andaBLUEshitbeyoHEART RATE. Muhnigga , meng, dalessss HEALTH yagotdamoah JUJU ya get, dah moah JUJU yagetdamoah HEALTH yaget, ya dig? an donget toospookynow, mon, yoheartproblemsgonnakillyou.

Nowdisda INVENTORY, itwhereyoshitbe, andisallyoshit.

Disbeyo SPELLBOOK. Itdongotnospellsthoug haHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE, itjussabadgenshit, ya know, legitimafizingyovoodoohand.

Disbeyo STATS, itbewhoyoube. difren colours show whobedown.

Nowdeseniggasbe TINY TIM AND ITSY BITSY. deysomesmallmufuggasdatdoshitlike SCOUTING an SPYING an SHIT.

Diserebe THE ROCKIN’ SPIRIT OF THE SOUTH. heamufugginsnakeniggathagrapplesshitangibsittoyo, meng

AnDIS NIGGUH, he be SHUFFLES “GOTTAGOFAST” RUFFLES. hegosfastandosntfraidofanythin.

yo lil babbybatlady don be rounhere, anyouknowmeeeee, but dismufuggabe EDD EBB: THE BOSS.
yoeddwhazzup, muhnigga? ineedalight, yagoddalight? giblight pls HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

I’m getting real tired of that French Caribbean motherfucker, real tired real fast. When I sold my soul to you, Frank, I never agreed to put up with this rasta bruthah. As experienced a voodooman as he may fucking be, he still an ignant French nigga. And I don’t like that shit, not one bit.

=>Turn on a fucking light

Aint no lightbulbs up there, Frank.

Aint nothing but the birds and the fishes.

=>Let’s make like holmes and start investigating this shit. Gonna be an honest to god original sam threepwood and max stobbart over here. Okay, see over there on the table? I think we got some genuine VAMPIRE MEDS. Get your filthy juju hands all over that shit.

=>filthy juju hands

I take insult to that. I’m a CLEAN man. A clean, EDUCATED man.

=> Exactly whose pills are those and what do they do?

These look like anxiety pills, but it doesn’t have a government label on it… Maybe these are clean? I’m taking these babies just in case. I have a feeling I’m going to need em.

As to whose, THEY MINE NOW.

=>You see that device next to them pills, brudda? We gonna check on that for you, Edd. Ain’t we, Smokey? Gonna scope that shit out.

Wudatshitbe, boss?

It’s a radio. Red dial changes the station, blue dial changes the volume. Nothing special.

=> Turn that radio on

And lead that crazy rat bitch to me? Hell no. I should leave it alone, don’t want to wake up the house of the dead and tell em where I’m at, now do I?

=>What kind of chump doesn’t click on a treasure chest as soon as he sees it?

Its locked, and its glued to the fireplace.
I can open it just enough to see…

Whadyaseebossisitsomedoshancigars? Icouldagofordoshancigars.

It looks like there’s a key in there and some wonderland bullshit.

BOSSwhatsinthadwoodbussom?

I’ll be damned, I think the key that opens the damn thing is locked inside.

Aweshimanwhadafuck.

Sorry, looks like I can’t enable you this time, fucker.

=>What’s in the fireplace?

Coal and sadness, Frank. Inside all unlit fireplaces there’s just coal and sadness.

=> you probably shouldn’t worry about this Dracula guy. Everyone knows the original Dracula was named Vlad. But you know, this guy might be Frankenstein; after all he was named Victor. Yeah, this is nonsense, isn’t it?

Frank, you gotta think outside the box. What if he blamed that vlad nigga for his vampire crimes and changed his name to make a getaway or some shit?
I wouldn’t blame him, Victor Von Dracula rolls out better than Vlad Dracula once you say it a couple of times. Seriously there’s probably evidence for that shit, maybe he was a movie star and bella lugosi was just a cover up name or something, that guy was TOO dracula. I’m telling you, man, conspiracies. THE MAN helps abominations like werewolves and vampires do shit.

=> You seemed real eager to get that girl’s soul. You ARE going to give it back when you leave, right?

PFFFFFFFFFFT, what, and lose a fucking LIFETIME’s WORTH OF LIFE? no, man, here’s what we’re gonna do: we’re going to PACK SOME SHIT, we’re gonna TAKE THEIR AUTOMOBILE, and we’re gonna RIDE AWAY. aint no way I’m getting fucking murdered by wizard bats.

=> Get a hold ‘a y’self, man! He wouldn’t let his daughter come to harm, now would he?

Well here’s the deal: so long as she’s soulbound to me, if I get hurt, so does she. Though… more at a sensational level, you feel me? Kurumancy is the art of body shiftin, I’m like a human voodoo doll in this case. So if them vampires tried bitin and scratchin they’d hurt her too, ya dig?
Problem is… ITS DRACULA. ITS MOTHERFUCKING DRACULA. HE’S NOT JUST A VAMPIRE, HE’S LIKE THE GRANDMASTER OF VAMPIRES. He could just lift off that spell or something, nigga gets orders from the space gods themselves an-
Oh shit. So that doorman thing was a fucking space god… fuck.
Actually, getting away from my alibi wasnt such a good idea… yeah, I fucked up here.
No use crying over spoiled milk now. I’ve got to get out of here, somehow.

=>Get that skinny green thing. Like, inventory it or something. You probably need it for puzzles and shit.
=>Sneak up behind the twitching green dude and give him a fright.
=>This^

SSSHSHSHSSHIT I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THAT.
Okay, uh…

Bosswuzzathombre?

I think its… a goblin. Yeah, yeah Marya mentioned something about gob-workhands, It’s a goblin!

Mekzense, bigvampirekinglordhavintinyjewsworkinfohisrattysel fahehehehe AAGAHGAHA

The Necrobiblia mentioned goblins. They’re like tiny trolls, and trolls are tiny yetis, and yetis are tiny gorillas. Says that goblins are fucking greedy but hard working niggas. Oh, oh man, dude, it said that if you give them socks, they’re forced to help you out!

thazzumharrypoppershit.

Shut up and listen: if I get this guy some socks, he’ll help me find a way out of here!

oneproblem, meng: hestuckondawall.

Well we’ll just get him out.

but he aint getting my socks.

Everyone thought you were dead. Come back to HSG we miss you

Anonymous

Sorry, man, a while back my ISP got blocked and I’m too much of a babby to learn how to proxy. A while back I tried posting but it was terrible so I didnt post.

I miss the stroke of your dicks and the smell of your queefs, but this is a journey I must take alone.

I’m… I’m sorry, HSG…

I love you.

88

=>The only thing scarier than accepting her offer… is rejecting it. You go to her place, ya hear? You go to her place RIGHT NOW or I swear to God you’ll regret it. This is PLOT SHIT, man! YOU DO NOT IGNORE PLOT SHIT!

Frank, I don’t normally disagree with you… but you is one fool ass nigga, I aint going to no vampire’s house in some wack ass vampire forest.
I got some motherfucking questions for this bitch.

EE: WHO THE FLYING DICKING SHIT ARE YOU!?

M?: Oh, oh, sorry I didn’t introduce myself! My name is Marya, and I’d like to invite you to my family’s house so you don’t drown in the woods.
EE: Drown?

M?: Yes! See, the trees here are DUSTPINES, and they, well, DUSTIFY and would normally kill anything with lungs within a couple of hours. I think it’s the rain moisturizing everything that’s saved you from suffocating. That’s good, because dying is bad!

EE: So if YOU don’t kill me, the trees will. That’s fantastic.
M?: Who said I was going to kill you? That’s awful why would you even say that!

EE: Your teeth told me, that’s who! You showing all them teeth for a reason, woman? YOU THINK I’M A DENTIST OR SOME BULLSHIT? DO I LOOK LIKE A DENTIST?

M?: Well your mouth has teeth, so maybe!

EE: My maw
M?: What?
EE: My maw has teeth.

M?: …
M?: Are you a dentist?

EE: No, I’m Edd. Edd Ebb.
M?: It’s nice to meet you, Edd!
EE: I Wish I could say the same, Mary.
M?: I-it’s Marya. Sorry, I’m just sleepy and I’ve been telling the Gob-, uh, good, good laborers what to do all night, but there was a big earthquake and I think my family is awake now. You don’t look so good yourself.
EE: It’s been a long ride, shorty.

M?: Oh tell me all about your ride here!
EE: I’d rather not. Better yet, you tell me: what part of the woods am I in and how do I get the out? I’m a busy Voodooman, you know, and I got a friend waiting some miles away.
M?: Well you’re really close to my house, maybe you should come to my house, me and my family could have dinner with you, and we have TV, and we can call someone to pick you up a-
EE: That aint gonna fly, I’m hopping around without the consent of the man in the golden city.
M?: ?
EE: The president?
M?: Right, right, the president! I didn’t know the white house got a makeover.

EE: Yeah, fuck that guy, I was riding at my own leisure to help MY BOY EDD get through his “emotions” But the state gate guards wouldn’t let me pass because I looked “suspicious”… whatever that means, fucking drones. So I hijacked some dumbass’ ride and crashed it into the gate, then while they were cleaning the mess, I ran those drones down and drove off… and now here I am with my car stolen by some woodland yuck. Karma’s a bitch, aint it, shorty?
M?: Yeah, that does suck…
EE: Just don’t call anyone, they’ll track it and probably have a public SUITING and that’ll be REAAAAL bad.
M?: Okay, I won’t call anyone.
EE: Good.
EE: … You’re a woodland yuck.

M?: Uh, w-wait, are you implying something? Don’t blame me, I thought he was your friend!
EE: You SAW who stole my car?
M?: He had tattoos on his arms and I thought he was going with you a-
EE: DO YOUR FRIENDS NORMALLY STEAL YOUR CAR!?

M?: I wouldn’t know, I don’t have a car! Look, my house isn’t too far away, you could get some rest and, I don’t know, we can figure something out!

=>go for it dude, worst case scenario you find yourself forced to liberate mz. Fox from some of her teeth and backtrack to where you already are. you can stay in control of this one, man, just gotta keep it together.

Frank… look at her. Just fucking look at her.

Them long hairy ears…

Them pink, pupil-less eyes…

Them crooked sharp teeth…

M?: I’m still here, you know…

EE: FUCK, look at this nose, you could cut through diamonds with this shit… its undeniable, she’s a VAMPIRE.
M?: WHAT NO THAT’S SILLY I’M NOT A VAMPIRE I-I’M-
EE: Save it. I have a NECROBIBLIA right here, and I know all about you rat folk. You suck blood and eat the remaining corpse and then raise skeletons to do your bidding, and on top of that you’re all some scary sons of bitches. You’re just one scary bitch.

M?: W-well for YOUR information, you’re scary too, just so you know! with your war paint and and your big ear holes and your skull face and your saggy pants! You’re scary and INTIMIDATING!

EE: I… get that a lot… sorry.

EE: But it’s true! You’ve got the teeth and the ears and the eyes and all that going on. Plus the dancing shadow. Can’t blame a guy for playing it safe.
M?: But you can’t just assume I’m going to eat you just because I’m a vampire! THAT’S RACIST!
EE: People in shady places with shady teeth are often shady themselves.
M?: Well my dad says people who own evil books are often evil themselves.
EE: I aint evil.
M?: And I aint shady.

EE: … Fine point… but how do I know your family won’t be as logical, huh? These are hard times with hard people in hard places, you know. The only people I can even afford to trust are MY BOY EDD, Frank, and paying customers. Trusting anyone else just leads to a lot of leftovers to clean up. Trust me, I’ve trusted, and it’s nothing but trouble.
M?: That’s a really bleak way of thinking and you ought to change it, not everyone is going to hurt you. I’m not going to hurt you!
EE: Who said anything about hurting? I just don’t want to be a fucking janitor. Fuck that wishy washy “I won’t hurt nobody” shit. I’m an artist is what I am, and I don’t need to take care of spilt milk. Enough about philosophy. I aint going to your house just so your folks can devour my flesh. That’s not healthy.
M?: Well as far as I can see, all you CAN do is come to my house.

EE: I said I aint going to your house. At least not all vulnerable like.
EE: Unless…
M?: Unless…?

EE: … you rented out your soul to me!
M?: My soul!?

EE: Yeah, your soul! It’s not like it’ll be that much a loss, you just won’t have miss shimmy here! And it’ll serve as… insurance. In case your vampire homies get any ideas. If I bind your soul to my voodoo farm, they won’t even think of anything malicious! for your sake, at least. But wait, there’s more! In exchange, I can get you ANYTHING you desire!
M?: Anything I desire? I don’t know what I’d desire…
EE: I can make your DREAMS come true!

M?: My dreams?
EE: YOUR DREAMS!

=> Dance the dance of magical fruity assholes.

EE: let me come up of something quick.
M?: Sure, of course!

…
…

… please and ease, yes, an… man can, that works… soul, more, nah… ghoul, maybe, let’s go with that… OH that’s a good one…

M?: Are you talking to yourself?
EE: Shhshshhss almost shhsshhshshs
M?: Oh, sorry.

EE: … ALLRIGHT, DONE, you ready for those DREAMS?
M?: Yes, totally, completely ready-

M?: AGH WHAT WHA WHY DID YOU DO THAT

M?: IT STINGSSSSSS

MY NAME’S EDD EBB, NOT ANY MAN
JUST A MAGIC LOVING MYSTICISM FAN

MY DEMONIC DEALINGS CAN DO
WHATEVER’S AVAILABLE TO THE FORCES OF VOODOO

AND HEY LITTLE LADY, I CAN GETCHA ANYTHING YOU DESIRE
MY BUDDY FRANK COULD GET YOU ANYTHING FROM ATOP HIS PYRE

NOW IN THE CARDS, OH I CAN SEE IT NOW, YOU CRAVE FOR SOME COMMOTION
SOME NON MONOTONE EXITAPHONE TO GIVE YOUR BORING LIFE EXCITATION

BUT I REQUIRE A PRICE, YOUR SOUL AND THE BLOOD OF A VIRGIN CALF

I THINK FOR YOU, MAR-EE, I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHIN JUST FOR THE PRIOR HALF

TO KEEP MY SELF SAFE AND SOOOOUUUUUUUUND
YOU GOTTA GET YOURSELF SOULBOUUUUUUUUND

EE: Thank you, thank you, it’s the best part of the job. Sign here and sure enough I’ll go to your house and hopefully not die or nothing.

M?: … If I sign this, you promise you’ll come to my house?
EE:Suresuresuresuresure just sign it already.
M?: And you’ll give it back, right? My soul, I mean, you won’t just run off with it?
EE: Yeahyeahyeah sign already
M?: And once we’re there you could stay a while and… hang out?
EE: … Yeah, sure, we can do that. Yeah, we’ll totally do that. Just sign those fucking papers.

M?: Well… Okay.

The soul of a vampire! This’ll get me a decade for sure

EE: So, hang out… How old are you supposed to be again?
M?: Sixteen.
EE: Thousand?
M?: No, just sixteen.
EE: well this is officially creepy.
M?: Soooooooooo what do you listen to?
EE: Uh, music. Good music.
M?: Oh cool so do I! I listen to Bonnie Tyler all the time!

block it out, Edd, we’ll get through this sooner than later.

M?: … and that’s why Vanilla Ice was SOOO much better before the turtle movies!

I’m dying, Frank. I’m dead.

M?: Here we are!
EE: Fina-

EE: Holy shit.
M?: See? Television!
EE: That’s fucking modern.
M?: Yeah! Just let me find the key… one key, two keys, three keys, four keys, here we go.

EE: Do you normally count everything out loud like that?
M?: Yes, I do. My whole family does it. Don’t know why…

EE: Nice… decour…
M?: I don’t like it. My little sister set them up and that’s just too sadistic for a little girl don’t you think I mean look at all of these theres like one pike, two pikes, three pikes… Four pikes, five pikes… six pikes, seven pikes, eight-

M?: oh hey we’re here.

M?: Welcome to my home!
EE: … what the fuck is all of this?

M?: Let me give you a tour! Above us is the skull of my ancestor, the dreaded doorman. My dad calls him doormanu AHAHAHAHAAAAAHHHH.
EE: Ha.
M?: Anyway he’s supposed to flail the skin of any who try to bring misfortune to my family but that never happens so it’s probably just a dead rat bat dragon skull doing nothing. I heard that bat dragons HATE wizards and voodoomen but its dead so you should be okay, right? AHAHAHAHAH

EE: Y-yeah. S’cool. S’cool. S’all cool… and who are these guys?
M?: Oh, those are the Six Banished Transylvanian Lords.
EE: How about you elaborate, that sounds safe- I mean interesting.

M?: Once a really long time ago my dad became a vampire and beat up some evil princes from hell who were going to take over Transylvania, which is where he grew up, and he became the count of Transylvania, and then when he moved here he took their disembodied souls and locked them in a room somewhere to guard something and I don’t know anything else about it. He never really talks about it.
The Red Lord Swoosh: master of swords and BALANCE.
The Orange Lord Cockus Maximus: master of maces and decorative armor.
The Yellow Lord Scopeson: master of ranged weapons and trickery.
The Green Lord Prick: master of polearms and stoic nature.
The Blue Lord Wyrmbeard Dorfson: master of axes and frost.
The Purple Lord MC: master of giant hunks of steel and heavy armor.
So yeah they’re pretty cool.

EE: That’s ballin. Where we goin?
M?: To see my dad! He’d probably get mad if I didn’t tell him I invited you here. He might even mistake you for an intruder! He’s weird like that, always sneaking around the house and shooing us away. He’s usually in his study all day, so it’s just me, my brother, my sister, and my mom sometimes.

EE: Hey, that reminds me of my son.

EE: …

EE: Mary. Marya, was it?
M?: yeah?
EE: I know we only just met, but would you mind if I had a little talk with your old man?
M?: what for?
EE: well a father shouldn’t ignore his kids, that’s ignant, I should know. Is it cool with you if I talk and convince him to bond with you and your siblings more?
M?: Why would You do that? I thought you didn’t trust people.

EE: I don’t, but I can relate to em.
M?: …

EE: so tell me, what’s his name?

M?: Technically he doesn’t really have a real name

M?: but…

MD : Everyone calls him Victor Von Dracula.

DRACULASASADSDDFFADAFAFD

why is she staring at herself at the mirror theres nothing there

AIGHT I’m out, motherfucker

MD : Hey Edd…
MD : I think we’re going to be really good friends

MD : Edd?
MD : … he got lost, yeah, he got lost.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK

HOW!? HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP IN DRACULA’S CASTLE!? THAT NIGGA’S SUPPOSED TO BE IN MOTHERFUCKING EUROPE NOT HERE, FUCK, I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE TRUSTED THAT SLEAZY BITCH, SHE WAS LEADING ME STRAIGHT INTO THE JAWS OF THE FUCKING VAMPIRE KING, I’M FUCKED, I’M FUCKED WITH SEVERAL VARIETIES OF DICKS, I’M DEAD, IT WAS A GOOD RUN, GOODBYE LIVING PLANE, HELLO VOODOO HELL, OH SHIT FUCK FUCKKK I I I

This… Fuck. This isn’t good for my heart. I can’t see shit. I need to get out of here.

I’m just going to stop thinking for a while. Frank, you got me into this, now you get me out. There’s Smokey if you need anything.

~~Eyhombrewhuzzeatinyouchief aheheheheheheheheheheheh AAAAGAAGAHBLAAAGH UGGHHHHGHG~~

Fuck.

88

=>Do you even remember what direction it is in?

What, you think I’m lost? You think I don’t have a sense of direction?
It’s right there, right in front of me, you think I can’t see that?

Are you IMPLYING something?

I’ll cut you.

=> Can ya’ summon a raincoat, mac

I’m a KURUMANCER, Frank, not a fucking MATTER MACHINE.

=>I can use big words too

You’re real clever, aren’t you, big man?
I bet you can draw, too, fucking Kirby up in this. Ooh, maybe you can draw ON PEOPLE. Wait, no, that’d be a little QUEER, don’t you think? That’s a little GAY for a guy as radical as you. Oh, maybe you’re bad enough to lucid dream. That’s it, you’re a fucking warlock wizard man, and you are just the most tubular dude in the world.
Maybe you’ll be an electrical engineer when you grow up, just like dad. You’ll rock those buildings so fucking hard.

Ffffffffffffffagggggggg.
My heeaaaaaddddd…

=> Are you honest to god telling me you’re gonna say fuck it to 88 because my friend is a psychiatrist and he told me that’s like at least the fifth or sixth sign that you’ve got a poo brain

You’ve never ever been to an 88 concert before, have you? Neither have I. Shit is something mighty, I hear. it goes on for 88 whole days, motherfucker, nonstop rocking, a never ending flow of joyous tears, and several degrees of burning from the concentrated lighters. They say that once you visit an 88 concert, which only happens every eight years on august 8, if the year happens to end with 8, the last thing you do is leave.
Because when you don’t come out of an 88 concert, you just weren’t ready.
I’m not rushing there for an insanely amazing concert,though, however amazing and perfect it may be. No, I’m crossing a state illegaly because MY BOY EDD’s bitch just dropped him last week, and he needs a shoulder to cry on. And nigga, when a brother needs a shoulder to cry on, you better bet it’s going to be my pointy shoulders.
God, my head hurts like mad…

=>Wait, you’re just giving up? After a little rain and some minor seismic activity? What a wimp.
=> Just gonna give up? Fucking pansy.

Oh yeah, you’re right; I could probably run off into the rainy muddy desert and sink into the mush and die or something. That’s such a groovy fucking idea, brother.

But that’d be irresponsible of me, wouldn’t it? I mean, it’s not like I don’t have a friend to go to, not like I have people to take care of. It’s not like I don’t have things to do. I can’t just go about disappointing people ALL the time.

Trust me, I know all about disappointment, Frank.
just let me drown that feeling out with some life.

=>Cackle like a festive skeleton and drool on your car hood.
=> go to sleep in your car

You think this walking is for mind clearing? You think we’re just waltzing to candy land? I’m going to take one of my HOMEMADE ASPIRINS, I’m going to take a nap, and nigga, if that car don’t start up I’m going to have to slap one of these dusty old trees and ride them creepy vultures all the way to that fucking dome.
Don’t think I can’t do that, because I can do that, man.

I can make it happen.

Really.

REALLY

MY HEAD REALLY HURTS

OH GOD I THINK I HAVE FACE CANCER OR SOMETHING DEEEEAAAAAUUUUGHHHHHH GOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Oh fuck, OH FUCK, MY RIDE MY RAD RIDE

come back here with my car you cocksucker, COME BACK HERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCKING MONGREL WHY WOULD YOU STEAL MY FUCKING CAR YOU DEGENERATE PIECE OF SHIT WHO WOULD BUY A FUCKING STOLEN CAR WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN I MEAN JESUS CHRIST YOU DIDNT EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY TO LEAVE ME SOMETHING TO YOU KNOW LIIIIIIIIIIIVE YOU MOTHERFUCKER HOW ABOUT I CURSE YOU BACKWARDS TO JUSTIFY YOUR HORRIBLE FUCKING LIFE YOU DUMB PIECE OF FUCK FUCK YOU YUCKFOU TASTE MY BENOMOUS VILE AND BURN IN HELL YOU YOU YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

-ACK

IT WAS A SETUP

A RUSE

WELL FUCK YOU MR PRESIDENT I WONT EAT YOUR TINY CAMERAS DO YOU HEAR ME
OKAY OKAY JUST CALM DOWN, EDD, YOU’RE BEING VERY UN DUDE LIKE OH GOD I’M GOING TO DIE
THAT MOTHERFUCKER TOOK THE GOOD PILLS, AND I’M NOT EATING THESE FUCKING FRUITY PEBBLE TRACKERS
FUCK FUCK OUGH OH SHIT I’M GOING TO DIE OUT HERE ARENT I WHAT ABOUT MY KID HE’S NOT GOING TO KNOW OH GOD OH SHIT OH JEEZ I
OKAY OKAY
HAPPY THOUGHTS, HAPPY THOUGHTS…

THESE ARENT HAPPY THOUGHTS

MY HEEEAAAAD

MY HEEEAAART

=>Recite the lyrics to an 88 song to make sure your brain hasn’t been scrambled too bad.

YES brilliant, this will save me from brain cancer, 88 fixes everything
Allright okay okay fuck what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what 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song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what 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song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what song what sont what song what song what song

hey wait a minute

everyone knows that’s a trick question, you son of a bitch, 88 doesnt…

…hey I dont remember walking into the forest.

Frank, did you do this?

Frank you motherfucker I bet you stole my car too.

Fuck you Frank.

wait what’s that

This is the best I can give you Frank, I’ve seen worse in a mirror at night.

Allright fuck this place I’m out of here.

HELLO, STRANGE SKULL MAN

IT’S COLD OUT HERE IN THE RAIN AND FOG AND DUSTY WOODS WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO MY HOME SO I CAN HELP YOU? I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOR DINNER.
I WONT EAT YOU.
I PROMISE.
PLEASE RESPOND

88

=>Tell those Service Sentients to stop that Quake Thumper!

Hey faggots..

Yeah you, stop thinking about suicide and go stop that fucking thumper before it kills us all.

Oh I see how it is…

YOU’VE JUMPED SHIP AND LEFT THE CARGO, NAY, YOUR FUCKING CAPTAIN, DEAD AND UNPROTECTED TO THE SHALLOW ABYSS THAT IS THE OCEAN

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU’RE SHITTY SAILORS, YOU CUNTS.

YOU ABSOLUTE VAPID CUNTS.

=>What the hell does that thing even do, anyway?

I don’t fucking know, it makes energy out of earthquakes or something…. Well, you know how if you grab a ruler, put it on the edge of your desk, then plank it, and gently put your finger on it, it just stops and theres a bit of vibration on your finger? Think of that, but your finger is a nail, and the ruler is rocks, and fuck why are you asking me this shit I’m an artist not a geologist. Fuck, there isnt even an earthquake, that thing is just lifting and I’m scared as shit right now

=>The fuck is wrong with those clouds

I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT HOW WATER WORKS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME!?

They call me snake eyes the ink doctor for a reason, but that reason certainly fucking isn’t that I know how it rains in the desert, let alone how there could be a fucking CONIFEROUS FOREST in the desert.

=>Ride the sandworm.

Oh man, I actually do have a pretty wicked BONE KURU CURSE that can summon Shai Hulud, all I need is some flint covered bones so I can set them on fire and praise his name and waitwhy the fuck am I talking about magic I’m about to fucking die holy shit

=>Welp, if the world is gonna end, you may as well use it as an excuse/pick-up line to whoever you were planning to bump uglies with.
Y’know, if the world is ending.

What the fuck are you on abou-

=>so basically the 88s are mish-mashy shit then
=>88
=>shit

Yeah well that’s just, like, your opinion, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

=> Cup your ears, save your braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

Fuck

Fuck this rain, fuck those robots, fuck that giant fucking nail, fuck these blury fucking clouds, fuck this, fuck all of this god damn bullshit, fuck, just fuck it all, I’m going into my fucking car and I’m going to fucking sleep like a fucking baby and I’ll deal with MY BOY EDD’s whining later, fuck this fucking concert, fuck you, fuck everything

FUCK.

88

=>Find and Examine Roadmap.

JACKPOT, MOTHERFUCKER, THAT’S WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

=Rip off jacket and shit on car
=> Throw a rock into the engine.
=>Kick that glowing thing in the engine repeatedly

WHY.
Tell me WHY, you sick mother. It took me years to get this car, I’m not gonna jack it up like that.

Besides…

I save that shit for Saturday nights and Stanley Cup Finals.

Ah, alright, here we go. There’s a SERVICE STATION up ahead. At least that’s what I drew there.

I’m pretty sure there’s a SERVICE STATION up ahead.

=> Call a towing service.

With what, a phone? Those things are bugged, man, I use MESSENGER CROWS to get past all the bullshit required to make a single fucking phone call.
They never come back. It’s for the better, I guess, I’d rather not clean all those cages. And MY BOY EDD’S DOG should be happy.
I’d rather not use birds altogether, they creep me the fuck out. Actually, anything that flies creeps me out, birds, airplanes, SCOUTER DRONES, and helicopters. ESPECIALLY helicopters. I don’t even know why, they haven’t used helicopters since 2012, but BLACK HELICOPTERS scare me. Some big dark hovering thing with G MEN, shit is crazy, yo.

Actually, come to think of it, I’ve heard rumors that the only birds in the outlands are BEARDED VULTURES. Those things are huge, and they only eat the bones, man.

Just the Bones…
That’s pretty fucking metal.

=>Examine surroundings, yo.

Huh.
This place is… I dunno, brother, its kind of weird.
I wouldn’t call it creepy or spooky or nothing, but there’s something off about this place. The trees look kind of dry. How the hell is there a CONIFEROUS FOREST in a DESERT?

=> Okay it is easy
=>Tell the trees to get the fuck out of your way

… Yeah this is… I don’t like this place, its shit, Jim.

=> Fun fact: The 88s are a real band.

Nah, man, they’re none of that lame feel-good shit, they’re like… MY BOY EDD introduced me to them, they’re kind of like a mix between The Protomen, Freddy Mercury, The Aquabats, Soop Dogg, and KMFDM.

I dig it.

=>Head down the road, see if there’s anything nearby.

Aight, man, sounds solid.
Better than jerking around this place.

Okay, so it’s either dying in a forest or dying in the desert.
I don’t want to die.
Fuck.

Those must be some outdated SERVICE SENTIENTS.
I kind of feel bad for them, when sentients don’t have work to do they think of self-destruction, apparently. But the whole JIMINY CRICKET CONTROL MODULE prevents them from doing that. So they’re in limbo or something…

There’s that QUAKE THUMPER. It’s kind of breathtaking, a big monolithic nail with a big fancy E.T. ORB at the top, with a bunch of needles surrounding it.
Its like Stonehenge on steroids.
That thing looks fucking enormous. I’m kind of starting to think those rumors of people having their brains imploded from the bashing on the ground might be true…
Good thing there are never any earthquake’s around the tri state area, otherwise that thing would lift an-

Oh fuck me.
Fuck everything.
FUCK.

88

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck.

Hey, my name is Edd Ebb, and I fucking hate perpetual energy.

MY BOY EDD asked me to go to this 88 concert with him, it’s his favorite band and he’s been feeling down ever since his bitch left him. Now I aint no shitty friend, I’m a chill brother; I’d say I’m a cool guy, most of the time. And I like this band, it’s pretty rad. But the fucker caught me off guard this week, first my son leaves on an airplane back to THE MOTHERLAND, then some punk ass bitches rob my tattoo parlor, and now I have to drive all the way to another state, over the fucking OUTLANDS, and, oh, here’s the fucking twist, this piece of shit RADRIDER breaks down. How the fuck does a car that runs on “perpetual energy” just stop working like that? ROY GOODMAN owns one of these, and if that isn’t a sign of quality, then nothing is, right? Oh wait, maybe it’s because the fucking PRESIDENT doesn’t know how to keep the shitty TOPIATECH he reinstated up and running. Well fuck me! Now I’m stuck in the middle of this fucking wasteland that’s only good for QUAKE THUMPERS and broken GATE TURRETS, in the middle of a shitty CONIFEROUS FOREST (which is creeping me the fuck out right now), with who gives a fuck miles between me and the closest STATE GATE.

Allright… calm down, Edd, this isnt the first time you’ve gotten lost in the woods, its not gonna be the last. I’ll just figure out what to do right now, get back to driving to PENNSYLVANIA, and just chill out with MY BOY EDD.

Okay, I know what to do.

Fuck yeah I know exactly what I’m going to fucking do, man. Want to take a shot at what I’m going to fucking do, man? Because that’s what I’m going to fucking do, man.

Fuck.